Monday, August 17, 2009

Voting Libertarian

Okay, so I missed a day. My apologies. School is rapidly approaching, my job is changing, and my nerves are generally fried. Now you feel like a real douche for making me apologize. Well too bad. I was originally going to write about the "Birther" movement and how colossally stupid it is, but after writing it down it felt a little meaner than was my original intent.

So now, Voting Libertarian: Why do it?

I should make clear that I have a lot of respect for libertarian ideas, and with the way the average elected Republican has been acting I now more than ever support libertarian candidates who want to run as Republicans. But I can't pull the trigger on an actual 'big-L' Libertarian candidate. I can't because it is stupid, and I try as much as possible to avoid stupidity.

Voting is a pain in the ass. An arguably worthwhile pain in the ass, mind you, but a pain none the less. So why waste it? You have to fit this chunk of time for voting into your busy schedule of work, school, and Internet porn; then get yourself down to some smelly elementary school gymnasium, deal with rude city poll workers, and fill the thing out.

So imagine doing all that: You get up extra early to get in before school and beat the rush, get your ballot from the disgruntled volunteer, then get into your TV-dinner-stand cubicle. You look down at the list of names and party affiliations and spot your Libertarian candidate. A warm smile creases across your face as you unzip your pants and proceed to wank all over the ballot, sophisticatedly. You then triumphantly turn your biologically filthy ballot in, secure in the knowledge that you are smarter and more noble than 99.7% (your guy loses with .1% of the vote, once again edged out by Mickey Mouse write-ins) of everyone else because you voted L.

"What a witty thing to say, good sir," I hear you tell me through your monitor screens, sultrily. But the analogy is even more brilliant than you know! Voting Libertarian is so pointless that the only possible reason to do it is for self gratification purposes only, and I know self gratification as I'm a blogger. Really, if you went and did what I described literally you would at least be more honest than a Libertarian voter.

Now debate the issues and add your unique and often great ideas to the national dialogue, then swallow your pride and pull the damn R lever.

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